Let's all go back to bed.

Dear children, 

There is this magical thing. It is called sleep. Someday, you will appreciate it. Now, you seem to think life is much more exciting when awake. I can assure you, sleep is much better than early morning cartoons. I am really counting on you getting this someday. Until then, let's all go back to bed, ok?

Tulip Festival

We went to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival a few weeks ago with my mama and the littles! Here are some of the few shots I got that day:

It's April. Here's some pictures from Christmas. That is all.

Less Cancer, More Dancing.

So, one of my best friend's found out last week that her cancer has returned. This sucks...big time. 

It's a hard topic to approach in any situation. The thing is, Cherie and I are friends for a very special reason: we kind of just get each other. We are highly sarcastic and sort of awkward. We essentially have never had to say to other one "I'm just joking" because, well, it is assumed that 95% of the things out of our mouths are not actually serious. And we just get that. It's sort a beautiful, slightly inappropriate, highly witty and perfectly hilarious friendship. I know when she would agree with me when I say that we kind of hate anything cookie cutter or "in the box."

So, I knew instantly I had to do something for her to show her how much I loved her and supported her without actually saying it (again, see, "we are awkward"). I of course also knew that the majority of her close friends would feel the same way about expressing our love. If humor is a love language (it's not, but it should be)- Cherie her close friends share it. And so the idea began. 

I actually super dug the way Alanna put it in her facebook post: "When your friend is sick, make them a video montage of your graceful dance moves. I'll gladly embarrass myself on the internet for those I love" 

And that's sort of just it- the best way for sure to make Cherie laugh during this time was to embarass ourselves (I mean, of course!). To focus on laughter and not sickness. To take her mind off the suckiness of the situation and just be stinkin' awesome for a few minutes.

Thus was born our video and hashtag #lesscancermoredancing

I want to put into words something very important right now. This video was intended to make Cherie laugh, yes. But as we were filming and putting it together it honestly took on another whole meaning to me.

Breast cancer is an evil beast. Cherie has undergone some incredibly stressful, emotional, and mental stress. She faces a double masectomy in the summer time.

Cherie, here's what I want you to know: You are amazingly beautiful. When we filmed ourselves dancing in the privacy of our own homes, it was actually super hard in a lot of ways. We felt self conscious. We thought of all the things that were wrong with our physical bodies (I know this because we discussed it in person before we showed you this). And I honestly thought- this.is.ridiculous. 

Above anything else, Cherie, I want you to know that as you head into this surgery, recovery, a physical change that affects you in so many ways- your friends know and see how beautiful you are. Just like you watched us dancing our hearts out- you saw your friends, our love, and us perfect exactly as we are- we feel the same for you. 

You didn't see our insecurities. You saw our hearts. I know that your other friends and family will feel no different for you.

And so, for your viewing pleasure, Amy, Christina, Alanna and I present:

I'm gunna Mystappear.

I really dislike it when people start their blog with an apology as to why they haven't blogged in a while. Really people, no one really notices that you haven't been on for some time- were just happy and excited to see you've written some more! So, let's focus on the fact that you ARE posting and not on the fact that you haven't posted anything in almost a year, k? (This is what I am hoping you are telling yourself right now.)

Sometimes I wish I could Mystappear. Mystappearing, it turns out, is a secret ninja art form that has been invented by Haden for any time you just don't want to be someplace. It's actually pretty genius- all you have to do is close your eyes and BAM- you are in a different place entirely and no one around you can see you any more. 

Mystappearing is only to be saved for the times that are very desperate. Times for me include:

Needing to go to the bathroom and not being bothered.

-When I embarrass myself in public (this happens more often than I'd like to admit). 

-When my kids think the best use of time during their day is spent fighting over the exact same toy that none of them actually wanted in the first place. 

-Dishes.

Speaking of ancient ninja art forms- did you know that wearing underwear on your head is actually super acceptable now? Haden demonstrates the newest fashion here:

 and here:

So go, my friends, confidently, as you venture into the world displaying your underpants on your head for all to see. Haden has stamped his seal of underpant approval.

Little Glimpses

Sometimes, I think about my childhood. Especially now- being a mom to two young children, I try to think back to what my life was like at the tiny little age of 3 or 1. I realize now, that looking back all I can remember are little glimpses. Small little scenes in life that captured a distinct memory. The time I cut my pants up with scissors (I had to have been younger than two?), the teddy bear sorters in my preschool class (the same ones my son has been playing with every day this week), my dad playing me records on my Sesame Street record player. 

As I drove down the road today on the way to Haden's school, we danced to a song on the radio. He kept yelling "louder, louder mom" and I had an instant flashback to a time when I was younger- maybe 6 or 7- and I yelled in the house. I was just being a kid- silly, loud, annoying, I'm sure- but I remember being thrilled when my mom returned my shouting with good humored shouting of her own. I have no idea what we were yelling about- whatever it was, it was fun. And it struck me just how cool my mom was in that moment for not only accepting me and not scolding me, but joining in too. After all, sometimes a kid just needs to be loud. 

It's funny how memories become just these small little glimpses in time. And I think about that often as a mom. What will my kids remember? Will they remember every time I told them I couldn't play with them or when I lost my temper and shouted? 

The answer is no, probably not. I bet what they will remember is the time I said yes- the time I took today to have a dance party with them or tickle them on the couch. 

I don't write this to say "I should have more of those moments"- no- if there's one thing I get tired of in a social media mommy world it's feeling guilty for not being a completely perfect parent. I'm writing this to remind myself a very simple fact: you're doing a good job. And someday, your kids will think back, laugh, and remember those little glimpses. They will remember the good ones because those were the times that encompassed what our life was authentically about. That even though frustrations and tempers sometimes showed their ugly faces, what we truly and wholeheartedly knew was love. Those remembered little glimpses will demonstrate that.

The Sensitive Award

Humbling myself a moment to write this blog post, so here we go.

I remember being at that summer camp- it was a hard week in my little life as I had had such a hard time making friends that week. I sat there at the final "awards" ceremony eagerly awaiting the tailored award my counselor for the week would present to me. "And the award for 'most sensitive' goes to Nikki"-- I remember exactly what that moment felt like. Up until then in my little life, I only associated sensitive as a negative thing. I took the paper award into my hands and ran to the bathroom, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it in the trash can (ok, so maybe you could add a little overdramatic to the list as well). 

Why would I even be sharing this embarrassing story? Well, luckily, little Nikki grew up to realize that sometimes, your greatest weakness is also your greatest strength. I finally grew to see that being sensitive was not, in fact, just a negative thing that people sneered at as I sat in the corner crying (although I'm sure that has occured on more than one occasion in my elementary days).

Now, I see it differently. Sensitivity is strength. It is a deeper connection to the thoughts and feelings of those around you. It is a quiet connection to the underlying feeling in every situation. If used properly, it is an outstanding tool to provide love, courage and encouragement to those who really need it.

Of course, it is hard as well. It is the over thinking, over processing, assuming thoughts and really, truly, feeling rejection, to it's full extent. It is not easy. It is learning to surround yourself with people that will accept you and embrace you despite the way you feel and respond. Unfortunately, that lesson is learned only by truly living it and learning how to walk away stronger and better equipped than you came.

This morning I sat on the couch next to my little three year old boy watching Toy Story 3. He broke into tears during the scene where the toys are abandoned by the "daisy" the little girl. Obviously, yes, he's three- so there is some amount of sensitivity in just his age alone. But I have watched this little boy day in and day out every day of his life so far....his little interactions and the way he reacts to his friends and play mates. My boy, I am sure, shares my sensitive soul.

I am so incredibly excited to help nourish in him this amazing gift in his personality. He is caring, loving, and in tune. He quietly asks me when I am sad "Mama, are you sad?" and hugs me when I need it. I pray that the expectations of our society for boys, especially, will not taint this. I hope to encourage in him to use what some might look at as a weakness, to be his greatest strength.

He has such an exceptional opportunity to use this trait to change this world. We will work on it together.