My Thought Choochoo: Diary of a Tired Baby Mama

11pm

I decide its finally time for bed since my child free time has been successful. I feel so tired.

11:10pm

 I have just drifted off into a peaceful and superb state of sleep. Baby wakes up for first feeding. The thought of coffee in the morning is my only real motivation at this point and with that thought alone I roll out of bed to go to her.

11:30pm

 Baby heard some distracting noises from outside her room. She assumed this must mean it is play time. She is now wide awake, cooing loudly and slapping my face with her uncoordinated movements. I decide right then and there it is time to sleep train her. I put her in her crib and stand outside her door.

11:34pm

Baby has been crying for two minutes now. I start to think about how awful of a mother I am and have spent the past two minutes Googling random parenting advice on my phone. I immediately regret any parenting decision I've ever made and am completely convinced I have done permanent emotional damage. I give in and go in to get her. 

12:15am

 Baby has finally decided it is time to sleep. I lay her down and quickly escape the room with ninja like moves hoping I make little to no sound. I return to my room to see my husband has starfished himself across our queen bed and is snoring loudly. I take the two feet of open space to one side, maneuver myself into a tiny ball and fall fast asleep.

2am

 Baby wakes for next feeding. I am in zombie mode so likely I am not 100% aware of what is happening but somehow we all survive.

Undisclosed (aka unknown to author) time, though somewhere in the early morning hours

 Husbands alarm goes off for work. If he wakes sleeping baby there will be serious repercussions. (Thoughts are being censored as it is highly unlikely I will actually act on any of them and it should be stated that I never in any circumstance condone domestic violence)

6:45am

Toddler's turn to wake up today. I am surely convinced they discuss who's turn it will be to wake early in the morning in order to make sure they never allow me to ever sleep in. One seems to take night shift and the other early morning. Their tag team system works like a well oiled machine.

7:00am

I finally emerge from bed to shower after hearing my name shouted exactly 327 times from the other room.

7:15am

 I go to fetch yelling toddler from bed since he's been shouting that he wants to get out for 30 minutes now. I go to get him and he refuses to be picked up out of his crib.

7:45am

Toddler asks for eggs for breakfast 237 times, while simultaneously getting into several things he shouldn't be doing and demanding  that he eats right now. Several attempts at time outs are made. I finish eggs. Toddler now wants oatmeal instead. 

8:00am

 I sit down to drink my beloved coffee. Baby wakes up. 

8:45am

 I return to coffee. It is cold. I chug it anyway. I plan out my day, revolving around the way in which I can coordinate their naps. The thought of a potential coordinated nap where I can rest too is my only gem of motivation amongst pure exhaustion before the caffeine kicks in. 

9am

 My toddler refuses to get dressed. I must physically pin him down to dress him so we can get out the door. 

9:45am

 Arrive to park. Attempt to talk to other moms to relate and keep my sanity.

11:45am

 Caffeine has hit it's pinnacle point and I am fully convinced I will clean my entire house once we get home during their coordinated nap time. 

12:30pm

Kids are down for a nap. I have abandoned all hopes of cleaning and have resorted to lying in my bed in an exhaustion comatose. Caffeine has worn off.

12:40pm 

I drift off.

1:00pm 

 Awoken by toddler yelling who likely never actually fell asleep anyway. A 20 minute nap will suffice and if I am lucky said toddler will finally fall asleep.

1:15pm 

I have struck the mommy jackpot today. Both children are asleep and I am rejuvenated from my 20 minute power nap. I could conquer the world.

1:17pm

I take one step into my living room and abandon any idea I had about cleaning the house. Will revisit that thought in 18 years. 

To be continued...someday...when I find the time....